I COULD STAY

The last day of rifle season

I walk into a place I’ve only been once before.

I’ve coveted its curves on maps for months.

Today is our first real date. A Hail Mary.

Feeling a little blind

But encouraged that in the exact spot I’d scouted by satellite to sit

Someone has left me a chair

I’m comforted that most creatures are ones of habit

Almost always, if I feel tugged to turn

There is a trail there to follow

Hunter or hunted

Both worth walking

Nuthatches and Brown Creepers creeping Woodpeckers tapping

The only birds here are ones who’s bodies cling tight to the tree

I follow suit and pin myself to the base of a Hemlock

I play deadfall for hours

Until the wind shifts.

I climb up to a stony peak

Sit in the sun on warm granite

Change my socks

Take a good look around

I see the lake shining

For a second I forget it’s not the sea

Sucking on a maple candy

I think about the capacity for sweetness in a place

It’s enough to warm my hands

I grab my gun and head back in.

I pick my way down the peak

All rockslide and Hornbeam and then a purple flash of Hepatica.

I’m excited thinking it might be the species that’s all but gone from Maine.

The one our people used to charm their mammal traps with and gave to their forest runners for deep breathing.

I could use both.

I look back up at the stoney throne I’d been sitting on

And see in its face a black hole

Behind soft soil

With fresh tracks

Of a bear gone in to den.

I wonder if the bear picked this spot for the same reasons I did.

If it was hunting in the hemlocks

But the wind shifted

So it took break on warm boulders.

Saw the purple flowers

Decided to stay.

I could stay.

All the deer were moving

I raised my gun twice

Safety off once

But I’m just not that kind of predator yet

Unless they’re standing broadside

Giving it to me

So while they trotted through trees

I just couldn’t.

The only beast I saw fall today was the smooth silver body of the biggest beech

Probably slain by the wind

The stump was big enough for me to stand inside, so I did.

I thought about this dream I’ve been having for years where I unearth a mass of something white and soft from the base of a rotted stump like this.

It’s always so happy to see me

I never knew what that dream smelled like till now.

I thought about the Sapsuckers drumming

The sound of claws on bark

But from the inside now

I wondered if I’d step back out a different person in a different time

And I did.